So I had a pretty good summer, I can't complain. Many new experiences and a lot of lessons learned. I really found out who I am. Tanya knows who she is, let's cheers to that!
I know I havn't blogged in a long time (sorry to whoever reads this, which I don't even know if anyone does, but what the hell) so I have a lot to talk about.
First off, I realised I deserve better than what Alex gave me, and I know what my "type" is now and what I need from someone. It's not fair to put Alex down though, he wasn't my boyfriend, he was just someone I could have fun with for a while, reason why our break up was mutual and tears free.
Also, someone who I believed was perfect came along but had too busy of a life that he couldn't make the time for me, disapointing because he was the one person who could make me laugh so hard I would snort at my worst times this summer.
And who I should have thought was perfect I didn't have feelings for. The poor guy but I think he dealt with it better than my parents did (they adored him).

Second, I found out I am not welcome back to CSS (Cayuga Secondary School - my high school) since last year I never went to class. So I am attending this program called "Turning Point" to finish getting my credits. It will really be my "turning point" with my education. This is it for me, my last shot, and it hit me hard. You go to school twice a week and work the rest. So I went into Caledonia (the town next to Cayuga) and got applications from at least 10 places. My dad is going to take me again soon to get even more. I have a good feeling. Yes, I have a good feeling about this...
I can't believe I'm that girl. The girl who got kicked out of high school... I don't want to be her, I'm not her anymore, but I have to suffer with the consequences of my actions.

Big realization: my friends (high school friends anyway) are all full of crap. I hate most of them now. So I'm counting on meeting some new people.
Actually, tonight I am having my neighbour's nephew and his friends over for a bonfire. His name is Eric and his friends names are Kenny and Justin. They are all pretty cute (and older), I hope they come, I invited them and they seemed intrigued, so maybe I'll have some new people to talk too. Fingers crossed.
Also, going to the trailer this weekend, it's a big weekend and a lot of people are going to be there, including most of my family, I miss my family so much, I've been feeling kind of lonley so seeing them will be awesome and maybe I will meet some new people as well. Toes crossed.

Wow. I can't even express this feeling right now. And I cannot even imagine how my sister is feeling right now. I mean, she is the one who is going to be a M-O-M. I have butterflies, cannot stop smiling... I can't even explain. The idea of me being an aunt. I mean, my other cousins have had babies, but this is LINDSAY. She is defintley my closest cousin, she is my sister... and I actually feel like I am an aunt this time.
I am going to spoil that child rotten.
This child will be so loved. It's unbelievable.
It's awesome to be the aunt. I don't have to punish them. Just love them.

And I can't tell anyone! Lindsay wants to do all the telling, and I am dying to just yell it out right now. But I promised. I can keep it in.

I am so happy for my sister... and Mike, the man who is going to be a wonderful father too. They are going to make a wonderful team. Lindsay is going to be amazing. She takes good care of me, I can only imagine how good this child's life is going to be!

Stoned Rant

So, Mike didn't propose to Lindsay, but he asked her to move in with him. Which is a lot better cause honestly, it would be very soon to be engaged. Lindsay's response is her buissness, so I'm not sharing cause it isn't my place. But I thought I would let you know what that whole dressing up, flowers, nice place for dinner stunt was all about. Oh, and they brought me back pizza, isn't that nice? I thought it was....

So, I'm talking to this guy Mike, I went to school with him and he has always had a huge crush on me. Now he is being all nice and saying I'm special to him and stuff. It's making me feel so guilty cause I'm not a great girl to guys. I lead them on when I'm really looking for something with someone else. Like with Alex, we talked about having a relationship, and it's a maybe for the future, but Mike here believes he still has a chance with me and I haven't corrected him. I'm a horrible person sometimes. But Lindsay said she is okay with Alex and I, or at least that is what she said, I talked to her for a bit about it, and I just hope she really is okay with it... blood is thicker than water, and she will always matter more to me than any guy.

Oh, jesus, I am so full. I think I have eaten more in the past 3 days than I do in 2 weeks. I haven't been eating a lot, but when I'm hungover or stoned, I eat like an elephant. Or a pig-phant. A pig-phant is this animal Alex and I saw at the zoo. It looks like a pig with an elephant's trunk and ears. So we called it a pig-phant.

Okay, I talk about Alex too much, I realise. I'm stoned and he seems to always be on my mind, so I apologise.

My life is not exciting. Actually, it kind of is, but the excitement usually comes from the guys in my life and my hamilton experiences. I wish I could blog like Lindsay. She has a lot to blog about, she thinks of interesting things to blog about.

Oh, the guilt, oh the hangover.

For the past three days, all I have done is eat food full of preservatives and tons of calories with little nutrient value to them, and drink rediculous amounts of alcohal.

A little recap....

Day 1: I arrive in my favorite city, Hamilton, to visit my favorite sister (cousin) Lindsay. I worked my ass off to earn some money so I could treat Linds to something, which turned out to be 2 2-4s of James Ready beer. We were over at Fran's (Linds's friend), and got the beer delivered, along with some pizza. Alex (who I have not told you about yet, but is the new guy I am seeing since Justin and I "broke up") Cory and Aidan all came over as well. We played cards while listening to some 90s music (such as the backstreet boys...) and some other rediculous songs like Bohemian Rhapsody from Queen! We all got shit faced. I don't think I've ever drank that much beer in my life, and I am a major light weight. Alex and I hid on the balcony and made out for a bit but what we really wanted to do was spend the night in his bed and finally have sex after 4 weeks. Every time we've seen each other, we've wanted to have sex, but never could for reasons going from he couldn't get it up or I would be on my monthly gift. What happened between then and after we got back to Lindsay's is something I would rather not talk about right now. Let's just say, Lindsay's opinion of Alex and I is not a good one, since she works with him and has to have seen the time he came to work with his neck covered in purple bruises, and on top of that, dealing with everyone else seeing it and knowing it was me and knowing I am her sister so making cracks to her about it. So, she made it very clear on what she thinks in that spam of time. I felt guilty since I really didn't know the extent of it. But also frustrated cause I wished she would have said something earlier, sure she has said it is weird for her, but I didn't think it was that bad. I feel like a terrible sister and am not sure what to do.

Anyways.... not to get off topic,

Carl and Aidan (oh, Carl came a little later in the night) ended up spending the night at Lindsay's. I blame the sleeping arrangements Linds made for what happend when I went to bed. I had to sleep next to Carl since the guys refused to sleep next to each other. Carl is a funny guy, but he is the typical gross man. And Aidan is all squeaky clean and cuddles you. Carl and I did get Lindsay's bed, so I guess that was sort of a bonus. Carl and I were chatting, both of us completely drunk, I don't remeber what we talked about, but he asked if I wanted a back massage. Oh, I defintely did, and I didn't care who from. So he was giving me one and when he was done, he laid on top of me and started making out with me. I wasn't thinking about what was going on until he began dry humping me. Now, dry humping.... I don't understand it and I find it repulsive. And, the fact it was Carl, I'm sorry, he's awesome to talk to, but it repulsed me even more. Alsoooo, we were in my sisters bed! No, no, no. The idea of having sex in my sister's bed was not a turn on whatsoever. That would just be the cherry on top of disrespecting her since I feel like I have been with this Alex thing. So, as soon as the dry humping began, I pushed him off me and told him I was going to sleep and to not touch me. I thought I probably offended him, so I explained that it was because I was really into Alex and we were in my sister's bed. The next morning, I woke up to his continuous stink coming out of his ass. And him in my face drooling. The smell of his farting and his breath made me get up hours earlier than I wanted to.

Day 2: Lindsay won a contest at work so at 3pm she left for a soccer game.. I don't know much about it, but I do know that she got to sit in V.I.P. So, from 3pm - 12:30am I slept, ate, and cleaned the whole apartment. Lindsay arrived back at 12:30am (if you hadn't guessed), with Aidan, since she stopped at the Honest Lawyer (the bar she and Aidan work at, and met him there) and since I was stuck in the apartment all day long, I wanted to go out and Lindsay being an awesome sister, took me out, despite the fact she was exhausted, and extremely drunk. We went to the Honest Lawyer where Lindsay and I proceeded to have a chugging contest. I failed miserably. But got drunk. Yepee. On the way back home, a random guy was walking with an umbrella, since it was raining and all, I called him the umbrella boy, and began talking to us. He was drunk too so we got along pretty well. He asked me for a kiss on the cheek but I missed and got his lips, and then I gave him a hug goodbye. The night continued of me eating Crispy Minis and dipping them in pizza sauce. It was delish. Oh, and at around 3am, Alex must have got home cause he came online, and we had an awesome chat. It was hilarious. We talked about all these weird things about ourselves, foods we do and don't like, how we learned what to do when having sex (me: Sex and the City, him: porn), how many teeth we've gotten pulled and places we want to have sex (Him: a tree house, library, hospital, doctor's office. Me: A change room).

Day 3: Lindsay and I woke up at 2pm and have been reading and sleeping all day. I did go to the store for her, she needed milk and we wanted beeferoni and chips and pop. Now, her boyfriend is coming over soon, and I guess he is taking her out somewhere niccceee. Cause he asked her to dress niiccee. So, while their gone I'll probably finish reading The Graduate, clean and watch television.

Aw, Mike is here and he came with flowers. And Fran thinks he is going to propose.. we're very curious of what is going on here.

I will let you know as soon I know!

You just know.

It is just another Saturday. Just another day. Sigh.
Except a little addition of my desperation of a distraction.

I can't keep you out of my mind. And the idea of seeing you again tommorw.... makes it hard to balance.

Justin is more than a crush to me. I'm going to go all corny on your ass here..

• We've been talking for about four months now, and for two months now we only talk on the phone, and it is everyday, never for under an hour, and sometimes last up to three - six hours long. If one of us doesn't call by 8:00pm, the other will always call.
• He talks to me about everything, things he doesn't tell anyone else, can't talk to anyone else about because he doesn't have many people who actually care, so he comes to me about everything. We have serious conversations about our lives, our past and we know niether of us are judging.
• I look forward to talking to him. All day, I cannot wait to get home to talk to him. It's the highlight of my days.
• He's become a major comfort to me. If I am upset about something, just hearing his voice makes me feel better. I instantly relax.
• I love hearing his laugh, it makes me smile, every-fricken-time!
• We talk to one another until we're both falling asleep and sometimes we both just lay there on our beds listening to each other breath. It's not aqward, it's just like we're right there with each other.
• He is always making me laugh, I love his voice impressions, it's like a six hour giggle fit.
• I constantly worry about him. I worry he will get hurt somehow and until I hear from him, I can't stop wondering if he is okay.
• When he brings himself down, I feel sad because I know he believes it. I just want to make him see what I see in him.
• When he is sad - I am sad. When he is happy - I am happy.

If you know me, you know that this has never happend before. I have never had this intense of a emotional attatchement to someone. I am boy crazy but I have never cared so much about some boy, they have always been just a boy in my life who I hang out with or talk to on occasion. Maybe they are good friends - but it has never been like this.

He says my feelings are mutal. And in some ways, I believe that is true. Because...

• He will always call me as soon as he gets home from work or from being out with friends. Sometimes, he'll call me just to tell me he is going out for a few hours and that he will call me when he gets back.
• He tells me he looks forward to talking to me all day. He counts down the hours at work until he can go home to call me.
• He says, just hearing my voice makes him happy. He loves my voice and my laugh and I always make his day.
• He always wants to buy me things, take me out for dinner, pay his dad $60 just to come pick me up so he can see me...
• He says he loves me.

This is the basic. He expresses his feelings much better than I do. But these are things he just says, and I know Justin doesn't lie, he is very honest, but I'm worried his feelings are not as strong as mine are. I know he isn't just saying them, he doesn't do that, he only says things he means. But... it could be a lot less intense or real to him as it is to me. And my biggest question is, if that is how he feels, and he already knows how I feel, then how come he hasn't made me his yet? He has said he wants me to be his sweety but how come he hasn't yet? I like to let things just happen, so after all this, I figured it was done, that I was his, he was mine, we were together. But then when his friend calls me his girlfriend, he says "she isn't my girlfriend".....

What's his deal?

And why does this have to be so scary?

I've never been here before. This is so new to me and I'm scared shitless.... I've never cared so much about someone not being around anymore (except for family), sure, sure, I've been attatched to other guys before, but that was NOTHING compared to this. That was my need for someone to show me affection. This is a need for him.